Dear Creatives: An Open Letter for Tired Creatives

Listen, I get it. You have a million reasons you haven't created in a while. But if I may just speak frankly: Please go create something!

Go take where you are, what you're experiencing, who you're around, what season you're in, and go create from that place. As a creative, I usually want to create from where I wish I was. I want to write songs from a place that I'm just not in on this exact day. But then I just settle for creating nothing. Forget all the restraints and the expectations you've assumed people have on what you create and go make something.

Go take a picture cause you like the scenery or the subject. Go draw something because it's what you like to draw. Go write a song that reflects how you feel today or this week. Go write your thoughts down because that's what you're actually thinking right now.

I've long identified as a songwriter. To myself at least. Or in certain circles. But I got into a rut in which I had not written one single song in actual years. Why? Because fear, assumptions, molds I wanted to fit but didn't, music I wanted to write but couldn't. And I realized I can't own being a creative or being a songwriter if I never create something. Seems simple but I fear too many of us identify as creatives and have stopped creating for too many reasons to name.

Celebrity culture and social media has made creating harder than it needs to be. Why? Because with social media and celebrity culture everyone thinks the win is to be widely known and loved. We mistakenly can think the goal of creating is to be "discovered." We think: How do I write a song people know and love and want to sing? But what if that isn't the point? What if the point is to do it because that's who you are and that's what you do? What if the point is to do it because that's how you process and that's how you glorify your Creator?

You know what? Maybe you will get discovered. Maybe your five hundredth insta post is going to be the one someone "important" sees and uses to launch you into certain stardom and success. You know what happens after that? Anxiety to live up to what you've created in the past. Fear that your best work is behind you (for more on this and also because it's amazing, I highly suggest watching Elizabeth Gilbert's Ted Talk on success and failure.)

There may come a day when worrying about building your audience or platform is an important topic of conversation. But right now too many of us are not creating anything or hardly anything to build an audience for. So let's get back to the basics and start there! I had to take an honest look at my creative output to realize there was actually zero reason for me to worry about, say, creating something congregational or a song that's "radio" when that wasn't what anyone asked me to do. That was an expectation I put on myself.

If you start your creative process with all of these stipulations and assumptions of what your art has to look like, you will be too overwhelmed to create. Or you will be too critical of anything you do create.

When I stopped approaching writing with the assumption that I must write congregational worship and that’s it, a lot of other stuff started flowing out of me. Some of it is sad. Some of it is happy. Perhaps it’s just what I can only process through writing that’s coming out. But I’ve come to enjoy writing again because I don’t care about what I’m writing as much as I care about the fact that I am writing because I love it.

Why aren't you creating? Are you asking too much of yourself instead of letting yourself be honest? Are you worried about the outer critic? Are you consumed with the inner critic? We have to win these battles in our mind if we're going to create. Another post, another day.

It is completely backwards for me to worry about who will hear a song or how they’ll hear it when I haven’t even written anything honest yet. We have to start with creating because we create.

I have realized, also, there is blessing in obscurity. There is freedom to discover, to suck, to fail, to try again. I want to go try things that maybe only two people hear and not two million so I can experiment and find out what I like. I don't need a million voices telling me what I should do or sound like. Obscurity gives us the freedom to play and discover. That's a beautiful thing!

These are your best days. There are not coming days in which you will suddenly have more time and more inspiration. If you're uninspired, go find some inspiration (again, another post for another day).

We need your voice as it is now. We need your current perspective, not just the one you'll have in a few years when you've learned more or grown more. Your voice matters. Your art matters. Go create something.

in to me see.

Marriage is fun. I took to marriage like a basic white girl takes to Pumpkin Spice Lattes. I've enjoyed being a wife and taking care of a home more than I could've ever imagined back in my single days. The sappy Instagram posts? They're real. I genuinely have so many feels about my husband they spill out onto my Instagram caption box, into texts I send him and my friends, and in conversations I have with younger women waiting for their future husband. I don't know that I could think more highly of someone that I do of Matthew Iannatto. What a man.

But it would be amiss for anyone to think that means our marriage is portrait mode perfect every minute of every day. I never cared for the notion that marriage is work. Maybe because I don't like the idea of someone building an intimate relationship with me being hard work and labor intensive. That doesn't sound romantic or poetic at all. BUT, after one (just one) full year of marriage, I'm starting to get where that may come from.

There are no great things in life that happen without intentionality. Or, in other words, great things take hard work. Careers, relationships, creative work, etc... it takes effort. What I didn't realize about marriage is the difficulties that can accompany intimacy. I once heard intimacy defined as "in to me see" - and I can't think of a simpler way to understand intimacy. There is so much BEAUTY that comes from being truly seen and truly known. Tim Keller says to be truly known and truly loved is what our hearts desire the most.

But guess what happens when someone truly knows you... they don't just know all the good stuff. They don't just know all the positives. They don't just see all the good things you do and say. They actually also see the worst things about you. They see your bad habits. They see your cynicism and negativity. They see your short-temperedness and your impatience. They see the stuff you keep safely hidden and tucked away from the rest of the world.

Intimacy has landed me in conversations where my husband is seeing me so accurately I have no choice but to honestly face those parts of myself. And guess what... I was not trying to face those parts of myself! They were deep down in the trudges of my soul for a reason, knight in shining armor! But, God designed our spouses to be able to dig and dig to find the most honest parts of us and for me those moments in marriage, when I'm being "forced" to face the things I didn't deal with prior to marriage (whether I knew it or not), I find it hard to celebrate intimacy and vulnerability. At first, anyway.

I think when we're single and we idealize marriage and we look forward to it, intimacy only sounds like a positive, romantic thing. And it isn't. It is not. Intimacy will cut to the very core of who you are and make you wonder "Um... why do I think this way? Why is it I only ever remember seeing ____ this way or feeling ____ about this subject?" Intimacy makes you ask hard questions about yourself. Intimacy makes you confront your long held assumptions, beliefs, reactions, and feelings.

THIS IS THE CRAZY PART THOUGH... while you're in the midst of your feels, processing how you even became the human you are, you've got this other person there who looks at you and truly loves you and not because they're forced or obligated to. Just recently I had a conversation with my husband in which I felt so "found out" I didn't know how to respond. I was confronted with such an accurate picture of my actions and I had no way of explaining myself in the moment. I was exposed. Ah, intimacy.

Now that conversation did not lead to me resolving my innermost issues in a moment. And I think that's really important to note. That would take a miracle. But it exposed a particular area that I know I need to work on. AND THEN, the best part. While I am sitting in this junk, I think about how much this other person must love me. For him to see the very thing I find the most annoying about myself, to see my inconsistencies and my lack and to look right back at me and assure me he loves me and make sure I'm ok... I can't think of anything more humbling than that. AGAIN, it didn't solve all my problems in a moment. It gave me a gauge of where I need some soul care. But what fuels that? Knowing someone has seen it and loves you beyond what you can understand.

Negativity, cynicism, name calling and rolled eyes never made someone want to change. Anyone who has tried one of these on their partner can attest that it didn't lead to any positive, lasting change. But if you will love someone when they are most vulnerable over and over again, you'll be able to watch them change right in front of you.

Probably even more important than realizing the depth of my husband's love though was that I realized this is what God has been after all along. This is the kind of intimacy Jesus wants with us. He's not afraid of the brokenness. He's more secure, more stable than any other human could be. He actually wants to LOVE the parts of you that you see as unlovable and over time, watch those areas grow and change. This is that hard love. This is that "make you vulnerable and get healed stuff" Andy Mineo sings about.

Marriage is the space in my life where I've started to understand, very little bit by very little bit, the way that Jesus loves me. It has been THE thing in my life that has exposed me to true, honest love like only Jesus can give more than anything else. Maybe even more accurately, it's opened up my eyes to see the ways in which I've kept Him at arm's length out of fear and NOT let Him love me. It's shown me what the word unconditional actually means. You can't even put words around how valuable of a lesson that is.

Love and intimacy won't always be pretty.  It won't always be what you want to hear or the conversations you want to have. It won't be what people gush about on social media. But it is the thing that will change us and transform us. I think Jesus has been after this for so long, but it took me having the partner He placed in my life for me to really get it. And for that, I'm so thankful. Not that it took me so long to at least see the love Jesus is trying to offer, but that He was gracious enough to put a human in my life day in and day out to demonstrate that. And I'm thankful in His mercy and relentlessness, He didn't give up trying to show me that sort of love over and over again until I could see it.

And because He's so good, He can use people or not use people to do this. He can start now, or He will wait patiently. He will use your current spouse if you're married or your future spouse, or He will start with a trusted mentor or friend. I guess my point is, Jesus will use whatever means necessary to try to show you an inkling at at time how unbelievable His love is. He's using my marriage to do that. And I'm overwhelmed, humbled, and challenged by it. 

When Everything Transitions

Transition. A small word with big implications. Transition seems to be the theme of not only my life, but many of those around me as well. Usually big transition hits one person in your community at a time... maybe two in a crazy season. But in 2017 transition is more like the theme of the year for everyone.

Today, one of my closest friends in life that I've walked with for about ten years drove off to live in another state some 1,400 miles away. This was preceded by one of my other close friends moving to  another state just last week. Did I mention both of them are married to two of my husband's best friends? Not least of all, there's the upcoming move my husband and I are making to a new city where we know all of three people. Transitions. All of them.

Maybe I've been in denial about the impact of all these upcoming changes, but today it is settling in more and more. Nobody's life is going to look the same a few weeks from now, months from now, let alone a year from now. And while part of me is ecstatic about my own upcoming transition and everything that entails, I realize part of making a transition is leaving behind what you know and that can be quite, unexpectedly sad. It's leaving behind your "normal." It's leaving behind being neighbors with your best friends. It's leaving behind random coffee dates mid-week with people you love.

In music, we make transitions in every set. What makes a good transition? It's smooth. It's not a disruption to the big picture. You have to know when to speak and when to be silent. I find that my life transitions are not unlike the transitions I do in every worship set. I find myself clinging to the big picture: That God has good things for me, my family, my friends, my church, my future church. And I also find myself trying to discern when to speak and when to treasure things inside.

What do you do when everything around you is changing and transitioning? Your friends, your home, your church, your life... I don't know if I have one answer to that. Or any answer, really. But it all has me clinging to the Rock that never moves. All this change makes the fact that Jesus never changes more and more real to me. It also has awakened a newfound dependence on the Holy Spirit like I've never felt before.

I think the movies and Instagram want us to think transition and change and adventure is the most glorious ride, without a care in the world for the past. That's not real. You can't grab onto new things without letting go of others. But it's difficult to let go and also difficult to reach out and grab what you can't quite see yet.

So in this transition, I cling to Jesus. I cling to His unchanging ways, His unchanging love, and His unchanging grace. In the transitions, I take a little extra time to tell people I'm close to that they really do matter to me and maybe even apologize for how I've taken advantage of our proximity. In the transitions, I trust that there are new mountains, new relationships, new adventures that will be well worth the pain of the moment.

Transition is messy but it's mostly messy when you've truly been planted and rooted somewhere. And because of that, I thank God that I have people that are hard to say goodbye to.

Why Your Ceiling Is Leaking

Here in Jacksonville, it's been raining a ton lately. Like... a ton. Not just a normal quick afternoon shower, but legitimate thunderstorms every day or so. It was in a storm like the ones we've had lately that I first noticed something about our condo.

One day while I was home on a Friday afternoon, I started to hear the quiet, consistent drip of water that can only indicate one thing. Yep. We had a leak in our ceiling. Not only that but there were two other spots near that spot that looked like they could burst any time. I called my husband and he quickly called maintenance to come take a look at it.

After climbing up into our attic, the maintenance guy said, "Yep. There's damage from the last hurricane that didn't get fixed. So the water is coming in from the roof peak and sliding down between boards in those three spots of your ceiling."

Wait... did he just hurricane damage?

For those of you who don't even remember or realize, we had a small (well turned out to be small compared to the forecast) hurricane blow through Jacksonville the second weekend of OCTOBER. Funny enough, it was Hurricane Matthew (insert my husband singing "Rock You Like a Hurricane"). So this guy is telling me the leak in my ceiling right now is actually from something that didn't get repaired 8 months ago.

The analogies quickly started rolling through my head.

Have you ever had something in your life that seems to leak its way back in with a quick passing rain shower? Maybe it's something you had long forgot about but suddenly you're thinking about it a lot. You're suddenly really insecure in some way. You're suddenly self-conscious in certain settings or with certain people. You're suddenly doubting yourself, your abilities, and your calling. WHERE did this come from? I ask myself that often.

I realized right after hearing the report from the maintenance man, those things in my life are much like the damage to my roof - they come when pain or disappointment or what have you was improperly (or not at all) dealt with and healed. The leak you have now could be from damage caused a while ago. Yikes.

Maybe you had just shoved and suppressed those feelings of inadequacy and insecurity, but you never took them to Jesus and learned how to actually walk victoriously and confidently in your identity. When we do this, those things will reappear. Count on it. Because they're still there just under the surface.

But there's hope! Just as we suddenly find ourselves enveloped in insecurity, low self-esteem, or pain, God's love is available to rush in and make up for what was damaged if we allow him.

I'm not gonna pretend like dealing with long-standing "leaks" or "damage" is a simple prayer and walk in the park. It isn't. Sometimes the process of healing feels just as painful as the incident/incidences that caused the original damage. But healing is worth it because it's going to save you in the future. Think about your future relationships, your future marriage, your future children, your future co-workers, your future endeavors... we have to be willing to take the necessary steps to receive healing and God's love so our future isn't continually marred by the past.

If my complex had repaired the original roof damage caused by Hurricane Matthew, they wouldn't also be dealing now with the leaks in my ceiling as well as the continued roof damage. It's now a more expensive issue to fix and more time-consuming. Same with us. (But note: not impossible. Because nothing is impossible with God. No matter how long-standing our junk, He can still bring healing and wholeness.)

Do the hard work of letting God shape you and heal you. And it is work. Don't be fooled. When you have made a habit of running to toxic wells instead of Jesus and working around your insecurity instead of facing it, it takes work to redo your natural tendencies. But if you keep taking it to Jesus, running to Jesus, letting Him fill and satisfy you with His love, it will be worth it. Ask for help. Figure out what "run to Jesus" even means for you. Let Him make you whole!

It will be worth it.

If Worship is Boring

I was going to title this blog post "When Worship is Boring," but I didn't want to assume something about you, friends. I didn't want to assume you can relate. So, this is for those who can.

I have been leading worship for about 12 years now. Fun fact about me. The first team I started leading on a weekly basis was when I was just a 15-year-old in high school, leading my peers in a sort of experiment to see if we could have an effective student-led worship team and chapel service at my high school. (Spoiler alert: They are still utilizing this student-led approach all these years later!)

Before that, I've always had an affinity for christian music and worship music. Growing up it was Steven Curtis Chapman and Point of Grace. Then "worship" as a genre really exploded. I love worship music. When people ask me what I'm currently listening to, I usually feel pressured to think of what I listen to that's NOT worship music lest they think I'm a prude, but I honestly only really listen to worship, instrumental music, and podcasts (Sidenote: I love podcasts. I may do a post soon about different ones I love because that's what I'm usually listening to if you see me with my headphones on). Occasionally, on the weekends mostly, I like a little Ed Sheeran or Bruno Mars, but I can't tell you what the hottest songs on the radio are right now cause I just don't generally care.

As someone who is constantly surrounded by worship music, worship experiences, and church services of all kinds, I can easily slip into a place where I can get bored with worship. That sounds like something a worship leader should never say. But it's true.

There's time I've shown up to church and not felt like singing. *GASP* Or times when I saw the set list (even ones I'VE created!) and been like "meh. I'm tired of these songs."

Maybe you can relate.

There's always a few common denominators when I have lost my excitement and passion to worship.

1. I probably have not been experiencing Christ in my one-on-one times to the extent that brings about a sense of nearness and fullness in my relationship with Him.

In other words, I haven't SEEN Him, HEARD Him, EXPERIENCED Him like my heart desires and needs to. Why? All sorts of reasons. Not allowing enough time or not digging deep enough. Usually it's because I have lost my why in the midst of my routine. Why do we have "quiet times" to begin with? To experience Jesus and deepen our relationship.

If that piece in my life is off, worship is off. I become a consumer. I become critical. I become over analytical of the band, the songs, the set, who's leading, etc.

After all, the worship experiences we share as the church are supposed to be a culmination of what we've experienced personally during the week. If I've lacked that personal experience, I approach worship as more of a consumer than a partaker. Like Isaiah says in 26, my mouth can proclaim God and my heart can be far from Him. How tragic and terrifying.

I fear the Church as a whole in America has fallen prey to this consumer mentality. You know, the worship leader and team were never meant to be the entertainment of Sunday morning. They are meant to prompt people to worship, not perform. We are all collectively gathered, ideally, for the same reason: To glorify Christ. I wonder what a worship experience would be like if more of us said no to consumerism and came ready to praise and worship as soon as the team started because we had already been worshiping all week long.

2. My sense of awe and wonder for the Gospel is lacking.

The Gospel is good news. But it's not just good news for those who are hearing it for the first time. It's good news for us in our daily life. We have to, as I heard one author say, re-Gospel ourselves. We have to remind ourselves, through reading the Scripture and reflection, of how powerful the message of the Gospel is.

I'm reading a book right now by Roy Hession called "Broken People, Transforming Grace" where he explores key words of the Gospel like reconciliation, forgiveness, and cleansing and it is awakening my heart afresh to the wonder of the Gospel.

It's critical we spend time reflecting on who God is and meditating on His Word. It fills us with awe and wonder. Maybe find a book like Hession's or something like "Knowing God" by J.I. Packer that causes you to reflect and shows you WHO God is. When that awe is not there, we forget why we gather to sing or why we should lift our voices regardless of if we like the song.

Jesus doesn't say our worship is only necessary when the songs fit our taste and style. He doesn't tell us to let everything that has breath praise the Lord so long as we are in the mood and feel like it. And it's because He knows what worship does to us and for us.

It takes our eyes off the temporal and the seen and thrusts us into a realm of glory. It reminds us afresh about the God we serve. The words we declare inspire faith in us and those around us. How sad it is when I let my lack of awe and wonder stifle my praise. God is worthy of so much more.

Perhaps if you find yourself in a place where you have become a consumer or you have missed the meaning of worship, you can look at these two things in your life and take inventory. How's your personal time spent with God? Do you still think of the Gospel and experience awe and wonder?

God, help us not to approach worship as a consumer. Help us not to show up in order to be entertained. We're imperfect and sometimes we lose sight of why we worship. Remind us afresh of your amazing grace and let everything within us worship You fully, every chance we get. Amen.

Why Planting Matters (Even When It Doesn't Feel Like It)

One of the words we throw around in our Christian culture is fruitfulness. Being fruitful. Bearing fruit. We learn early on as Christians that we are known by our fruit. A good tree bears good fruit and a bad tree bears bad fruit.

Lately I've found myself in a place where I don't feel I see the fruit. Because I naturally tend toward proving and earning, I usually associate a lack of visible fruit with a lack of doing something right. So if I'm not seeing what I think I should be, I assume I'm doing something wrong and that's why.

Maybe you find yourself in this place. Maybe you're spending a lot of time and energy to "plant" little seeds and you still haven't seen the fruit of it yet and you're starting to wonder: Is it even worth it? Do the small seeds even matter?

While I think the fact that maybe I'm doing something wrong can be true, I also started thinking about what goes into a good tree bearing good fruit. A tree bears fruit because a seed was planted and cultivated. When a seed is properly planted and cultivated, the fruit naturally comes, but not instantly.

I looked up how long it takes an apple tree to grow. Even the smallest apple trees take 2-4 years to bear viable fruit. YEARS. If you give up too quickly because it isn't displaying the fruit you want in the time frame you want it, you will miss out on years of good fruit.

Learning about these little dwarf apple trees helped me to understand my perspective was off. Planting a seed is just as powerful as watering it. I cannot control the soil necessarily (especially if your soil is people), but I can be faithful to plant EVEN WHEN I can't see the results. 

Whatever you're doing right now to plant seeds is worthwhile. Are there more innovative ways to plant? Probably. Could we be planting more seeds? Yes. Do we also need to cultivate seedlings? Definitely. But planting without seeing the result is never a waste. God is the gardener and that seed will sprout and flourish in His time, if we will stay faithful.

One last note: The fruit is natural. I think sometimes we (at least I) get caught up in the visible fruit in my life because what I'm actually concerned about is what people see. I'm trying to prove something to them. "Look at this Purple Book I finished. Look at this song I wrote. Look at this person I led to Jesus. Look at this life group. Look at this, look at this, look at this."  

But God is the One who makes things grow. As we are faithful to plant and water, He will cause it to grow. Fruit is the natural byproduct of something that is healthy and growing. Don't just focus on the fruit. Focus on the faithfulness for the small things of planting and watering. Sure Instagram posts of daily planting and watering would be WAY less exciting, but that's real life. Most of life is faithfulness in unseen, small ways. Stay faithful and the fruit will come.

"I planted the seed in your hearts, and Apollos watered it, but it was God who made it grow." 1 Corinthians 3:6

[kon-fi-duh ns]

For all the fanfare surrounding being "#1", have you ever noticed how awkward it can actually be to be first?

Sure in hindsight it seems like all the glory is reserved for those who are first, those who are pioneers, but if you've ever been first in anything, you know it can actually be quite uncomfortable.

Think of times you've felt led to initiate a conversation with someone you don't know. Or a time you felt like you should invite someone to church. Or a time when you got to the right place at the designated time, but nobody else was there yet. Awkward.

It takes confidence (kon-fi-duh ns ;)) to be first. It takes confidence to lead. And I have often wondered: Where the heck does that kind of confidence come from? How do we get to a place where our decisions and confidence aren't based on other people? Whether we're on campus approaching someone to do the God Test, being the first to pray in a corporate prayer setting, taking the step to invite a coworker to church, or any other situation, how do we become confident?

Enter: 1 Samuel 17.

This infamous chapter in the Bible is when David defeats Goliath. Now, being a church kid as I am, I have heard this story hundreds of times. I've seen it portrayed on flannelgraph, I've heard it sung about in songs, I've heard sermons on almost every facet of this story, but this morning God made it fresh to me.

Basically, there was this giant Philistine taunting the Israelite army and nobody was brave enough to actually go down and face him and fight him. David was just a young kid and he was delivering food to his brothers who were on the front lines of this impending battle. David, in his youth and maybe slight naivety, says, "I'll fight him." And look how encouraging Eliab, his brother, and Saul, the king of Israel at the time, are:

"Eliab: Why have you come down here? Who is watching your tiny flock in the wilderness? I'm your brother and I know you--you're arrogant, and your heart is evil..." (vs. 28)

"Saul: Don't be ridiculous--you can't fight the Philistine. You're only a youth, and he has been a warrior since his childhood. You lack age and experience." (vs. 33)

Wow. Condescending much? Eliab criticizes and downplays David's role as a shepherd and then tries to claim he knows who he really is: An arrogant kid with an evil heart. Then, Saul points out David is completely lacking in age and experience. Little do both of these naysayers know what David has really been up to in the wilderness with his "tiny flock."

David proceeds to tell them how when a lion or a bear would attack the flock, he would ward it off with his bare hands and if either tried to attack him, he would just kill it. Casual. And David is fully prepared and confident to be the first to confront Goliath. Why? How?

David had developed confidence in the hiddenness of the wilderness that could not be tamed or controlled by other people's opinions.

David was already familiar with the faithfulness of God. He was familiar with a God who delivered him from the paw of the lion and the bear. This dude spent his days alone singing songs to God, recounting who God is, and then killing giant animals with his bare hands. 

I think we see here in David's story that the confidence to be first comes from intimacy with God. Intimacy is what builds trust and confidence. It builds a healthy familiarity with God's character. Also, in that intimacy with God, David learned who he was. He already knew he was a warrior - he didn't need Eliab or Saul to see that in him. 

I hope I never rush out of the hiddenness of the wilderness. Whether that's a season of life or even just my time in the morning with God and His Word - I want to remain in that secret place, building a secret history, developing my relationship with God to the point I am confident in who He is, and confident in who He has made me to be.

I believe when we have developed this secret history with God -- killing lions and bears -- we will walk with a greater confidence in those moments in life we're called to step out, to lead, to be first, to GO. If we know who He is and who we are in Him, nothing can stop us. No opinion of Eliab or Saul can change our mind. But we have to be willing to linger, to stay, to wrestle lions and bears when no one is watching.

Our culture celebrates platform, not anonymity. It takes discipline to stay hidden. But I believe if we do and we trust God, there will be moments on the platform that are only made possible by that hiddenness. Just like David. And when those moments come, we won't worship the platform. We'll worship the God we came to know and love in the quiet, secret moments of anonymity. Just like David.