in to me see.

Marriage is fun. I took to marriage like a basic white girl takes to Pumpkin Spice Lattes. I've enjoyed being a wife and taking care of a home more than I could've ever imagined back in my single days. The sappy Instagram posts? They're real. I genuinely have so many feels about my husband they spill out onto my Instagram caption box, into texts I send him and my friends, and in conversations I have with younger women waiting for their future husband. I don't know that I could think more highly of someone that I do of Matthew Iannatto. What a man.

But it would be amiss for anyone to think that means our marriage is portrait mode perfect every minute of every day. I never cared for the notion that marriage is work. Maybe because I don't like the idea of someone building an intimate relationship with me being hard work and labor intensive. That doesn't sound romantic or poetic at all. BUT, after one (just one) full year of marriage, I'm starting to get where that may come from.

There are no great things in life that happen without intentionality. Or, in other words, great things take hard work. Careers, relationships, creative work, etc... it takes effort. What I didn't realize about marriage is the difficulties that can accompany intimacy. I once heard intimacy defined as "in to me see" - and I can't think of a simpler way to understand intimacy. There is so much BEAUTY that comes from being truly seen and truly known. Tim Keller says to be truly known and truly loved is what our hearts desire the most.

But guess what happens when someone truly knows you... they don't just know all the good stuff. They don't just know all the positives. They don't just see all the good things you do and say. They actually also see the worst things about you. They see your bad habits. They see your cynicism and negativity. They see your short-temperedness and your impatience. They see the stuff you keep safely hidden and tucked away from the rest of the world.

Intimacy has landed me in conversations where my husband is seeing me so accurately I have no choice but to honestly face those parts of myself. And guess what... I was not trying to face those parts of myself! They were deep down in the trudges of my soul for a reason, knight in shining armor! But, God designed our spouses to be able to dig and dig to find the most honest parts of us and for me those moments in marriage, when I'm being "forced" to face the things I didn't deal with prior to marriage (whether I knew it or not), I find it hard to celebrate intimacy and vulnerability. At first, anyway.

I think when we're single and we idealize marriage and we look forward to it, intimacy only sounds like a positive, romantic thing. And it isn't. It is not. Intimacy will cut to the very core of who you are and make you wonder "Um... why do I think this way? Why is it I only ever remember seeing ____ this way or feeling ____ about this subject?" Intimacy makes you ask hard questions about yourself. Intimacy makes you confront your long held assumptions, beliefs, reactions, and feelings.

THIS IS THE CRAZY PART THOUGH... while you're in the midst of your feels, processing how you even became the human you are, you've got this other person there who looks at you and truly loves you and not because they're forced or obligated to. Just recently I had a conversation with my husband in which I felt so "found out" I didn't know how to respond. I was confronted with such an accurate picture of my actions and I had no way of explaining myself in the moment. I was exposed. Ah, intimacy.

Now that conversation did not lead to me resolving my innermost issues in a moment. And I think that's really important to note. That would take a miracle. But it exposed a particular area that I know I need to work on. AND THEN, the best part. While I am sitting in this junk, I think about how much this other person must love me. For him to see the very thing I find the most annoying about myself, to see my inconsistencies and my lack and to look right back at me and assure me he loves me and make sure I'm ok... I can't think of anything more humbling than that. AGAIN, it didn't solve all my problems in a moment. It gave me a gauge of where I need some soul care. But what fuels that? Knowing someone has seen it and loves you beyond what you can understand.

Negativity, cynicism, name calling and rolled eyes never made someone want to change. Anyone who has tried one of these on their partner can attest that it didn't lead to any positive, lasting change. But if you will love someone when they are most vulnerable over and over again, you'll be able to watch them change right in front of you.

Probably even more important than realizing the depth of my husband's love though was that I realized this is what God has been after all along. This is the kind of intimacy Jesus wants with us. He's not afraid of the brokenness. He's more secure, more stable than any other human could be. He actually wants to LOVE the parts of you that you see as unlovable and over time, watch those areas grow and change. This is that hard love. This is that "make you vulnerable and get healed stuff" Andy Mineo sings about.

Marriage is the space in my life where I've started to understand, very little bit by very little bit, the way that Jesus loves me. It has been THE thing in my life that has exposed me to true, honest love like only Jesus can give more than anything else. Maybe even more accurately, it's opened up my eyes to see the ways in which I've kept Him at arm's length out of fear and NOT let Him love me. It's shown me what the word unconditional actually means. You can't even put words around how valuable of a lesson that is.

Love and intimacy won't always be pretty.  It won't always be what you want to hear or the conversations you want to have. It won't be what people gush about on social media. But it is the thing that will change us and transform us. I think Jesus has been after this for so long, but it took me having the partner He placed in my life for me to really get it. And for that, I'm so thankful. Not that it took me so long to at least see the love Jesus is trying to offer, but that He was gracious enough to put a human in my life day in and day out to demonstrate that. And I'm thankful in His mercy and relentlessness, He didn't give up trying to show me that sort of love over and over again until I could see it.

And because He's so good, He can use people or not use people to do this. He can start now, or He will wait patiently. He will use your current spouse if you're married or your future spouse, or He will start with a trusted mentor or friend. I guess my point is, Jesus will use whatever means necessary to try to show you an inkling at at time how unbelievable His love is. He's using my marriage to do that. And I'm overwhelmed, humbled, and challenged by it.